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Eric Clopper
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Harvard University
May 1, 2018
Cambridge
Massachusetts
USA

The Day Has Come!

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All right. Good morning. It's May 1st, 2018, and the day has finally come. The day has finally come. It's a day we'll remember together as a culture. Now, I've worked very hard in my life to become a person that you cannot ignore, and I will finally show you you what that means. Now, tonight is the premiere of my one-man show, Sex and Circumcision: An American Love Story here at Harvard University at its most iconic venue, Sanders Theater in Memorial Hall. Now, I'm creating this video to tell you a few things you need to know about the upcoming night.

Now, the first thing, and one of the most important things, is the time. So, it starts at 7:00 PM. Not 7:05, not 7:10, but 7:00 PM sharp. Now, the doors open at 6:15, and it's general seating, general admission, which means the people who get there first get to sit wherever they want. I assure you, for this show, where you sit matters. Just be aware of the splash zone. Just kidding. Or am I?

But in terms of tickets, so tickets are ... It's a charity event to benefit the Jimmy Fund to combat childhood cancer, but tickets are $7 and you can buy them online. I'll include the description in the link below. You can also get them at the door. Or if you're a Harvard ID holder, you can get them at the box office at the door for free. Then, I've been doing a promotion where I have a full-time team of inflatable penises marauding around Harvard Square, and if you run into them, you can get a free promotional ticket. You just have to find them. They're pretty easy to find.

Now, a few other things. So, in terms of numbers, we've got a great showing, actually. So, we have 300 confirmed seats, but we've had a very visible and successful marketing campaign around Harvard. I've heard a lot of people are coming. A lot of people are bringing their classes or their groups. So, let's say on the conservative end, about 200. So, we're thinking probably around 500 people. Now, if we need to open the balconies, we will, otherwise, the ushers will guide you where to sit.

Now, a couple of rules about the performance. So, one of the rules is about filming. So, I've given other presentations, and sometimes people felt compelled to take pictures or livestream and whatnot. For this show, you're more than welcome to do so. I just ask that you abstain from flash and you abstain from obstructing people's views behind you. So, if you're going to use your cell phone to record, I just ask that you be considerate of your other audience members.

It is going to be one hell of a show. I promise you this. I am the Neil deGrasse Tyson of sketchy, and I'll show you exactly what that means. But because of this, this is not a show for children. So, if you were planning on bringing minors, I just ask you, please do not. Yeah. That's it. After the show, we will celebrate. We'll go on a rooftop deck bar, weather permitting, and I'm happy to provide appetizers. We can catch up, be social. I'd love to meet you. We can get pictures, and it'll be a great night. That's about all.

I just wanted to thank all of you for tolerating my social media bliss, but also, really, it does mean a lot that if you make it to my play. I put years and years and years of work into this. I've tested it before, I've been relentlessly working on it, and I think that you will really appreciate it and it would mean a lot to me as this will be a big turning event in my life, both professionally and personally and I think for our culture as a whole. So, I hope to see you tonight. Do not miss the premiere. 7:00 PM. It will be the play of our generation. I will see you tonight at Sanders Theater at 7:00 PM.

Buckle up.

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The archer is the true weapon;
the bow is just a long piece of wood.

Sebastien de Castell
Traitor's Blade
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